What Lazy Did Next

1. When showering, do you start the water and then get in, or get in then start the water?

I don't shower, I bathe. Like a lady should.

2. Do you read the labels on your shampoo bottle?

Yes. Usually when I'm bored but oddly never before I buy them.

3. Do you moan in the shower like the people on the Herbal Essences commercial?

Depends on who's joining me

4. Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex?

Yep.

5. Have you ever been forced to shower with one of your siblings?

No. My brother was 15 when I was born. It would have just been prerverse.

6. Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?

Nope.

7. Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot?

Yep.

8. How old do you look?

I look my age (29)

9. How old do you act?

Like I'm 15. Hormonal tantrums and all (but these are usually restricted to 2 days a month now when you'd better stay out my way!)

10. What's the last song you sang?

Annie bloody Lennox - Walking on glass whilst waiting for the PC to boot up. And I was humming it actually. Well "doo doo dooing" if you know what I mean. That's not strictly humming or singing.

11. Have you recently become a member of anything?

I've been considering the BNP!! Only to really irritate my illegal immigrant ex husband (read other posts!)

12. What are your plans for the weekend?

Hopefully not seeing my ex hubby's brother or his family.

13. Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed?

Depends what mood I'm in and where I am.

14. Whats the sexiest thing about Condoleeza Rice?
Erm. Nowt.

15. Does anything on your body itch right now?

No

16. Who's the sexiest famous woman alive?
Me. Except I'm not famous.

17. Who's the sexiest famous man alive?
Alan Shearer. No, honestly, he's my favourite bloke I'm never likely to shag.

18. Does every family have a crazy uncle?

No. I've got a millionaire uncle but I'm highly unlikely to inherit anything off him

19. Have you ever smuggled something into your home country?

No. I've only left my home country twice.

20. Does playing the guitar make a girl/guy more attractive?

Not really.

21. Do you live in a city with a good sports team?

No I live in a poxy village where the local sport is grumbling about the English. I'm English so I grumble about the people grumbling about the English.

22. Have you ever finished off the popcorn and ate the junk from the bottom of the bag?

Yep

23. Have you ever had sex in a tent?

Yes

24. What about in a boat?

No

25. Have you ever dated a Goth?

No and I wouldn't because they are very strange creatures who think they're expressing their uniqueness by all looking exactly the same.

26. Can you fix your own car?

I can't even drive my own car!

27. Are you a beach person or a snowy mountain person?

Mountain.

28. If money were not a problem, where would you like to live?

Somewhere surrounded by lots of horses and countryside, with lots of sexy gamekeepers that all look like young Sean Beans. Oh yes.

29. Soft bed or firm?

Whatever. I've been known to sleep on the toilet. Twice. And one was a public one.

30. Last thing received in the mail?

A letter from the Abbey National with my pin number because I've forgotten it. Again.

So I let him know that I was onto him.

Slime, my ex husband's slimey brother.

He didn't like it. He emailed me back telling me how hurt he was for not believing his new found interest in his niece was genuine....oh and could I possibly print out this letter (a character reference) for Knobhead to use in court for his impending immigration case.

Erm.... No.

I hate it. His very presence in my life has brought back wave after wave of memories of hubby no 1. No, I wasn't as innocent I make out to people nowadays. Hubby no 1 was never a big bad wolf. Hubby was a 5ft 3in, good looking bloke. He did many things for me. Was it really all for show? I was a cow too. A spoilt brat. I have shameful memories of swiping him in his bollocks in the street during an argument and him writhing on the pavement. I can't remember what the argument was about. I was 17. Almost 12 years ago.

I do feel guilty. I've actually wanted to apologise to him for years. Our daughter looks so much like him that I cant forget him.

I'm in a funny place right now. Slime's cards are on the table and I think I've squashed his ego a little by showing him tht I'm not as thick or as gullible as he'd like to believe. He may well rule his roost by I rule mine. Hubby no 2 knows this and respects this and consults me over everything. Well, almost everything...

I don't know what to do. I haven't seen knobhead for over ten years. I need to withdraw from the world and consider my next action.

Dennypoos?

I feel quite concerned.

Anyone know of the old goat's whereabouts?

Did he get abducted by aliens on one of his bike rides?

My ex's family turned up on my mother's doorstep last night.

My illegal immigrant ex.

The one I had deported.

My mother rang me "Knobrot's family are here to see Stroppy (names have been changed to protect identity. Obviously.). His mother is here. She is crying. I had to let them in. Shall I send them up to you?"

Ermmm. No.

So I trundled down the hill with 3 of my 4 kids in tow, and was greeted by my ex's brother as if I was a long lost friend. I'm going to call the brother Slime as he is slimey.

Slime sat in my mother's house, all togged up in a shirt and tie and looked just like a dodgy car dealer, with his mother and wife all wearing headscarves and heavy overcoats. (I however was wearing a low cut top and my crucifix - be gone oh vampires of the state!)

Slime grabbed my daughter and sat her in between him and his mother. Stroppy looked most unomfortable while they pawed her and talked about her like they were buying a pony.

Anyway, after all the niceties, photos and light hearted tales of family life were swapped Slime suddenly handed Stroppy £100 and announced that he'd like me to write a letter to Knobrot.

He handed me a pre drafted letter of what he would like. It was full of phrases such as "It was lovely to see your family", "Please come again", "You're welcome at any time", and also the odd statement like "Thankyou for the money you have given us (£100) " and the use of my full maiden name.

I took the letter and rewrote it, with less flowery crap, a mention of my husband and my other children, the promise of seeing his daughter downgraded to a maybe, and signed it with just my first name. I handed it back to Slime in a sealed envelope.

When they left my mother told me that Knobrot was in a detention centre. He's been back in this country again as an illegal immigrant and has been caught. Again. That's why he wanted the letter - maybe to use in his case to stay in the country.

I want no part of it. I have informed the school and the local police of the family's presence, and that the school is to only let the children out when I, my husband or my parents are present. I don't think they'd abduct my daughter but it is best to err on the side of caution. I'm not sure of the immigration status of his brother, but if they are not supposed to be here they are above the law already.

It's a big cause for concern, and I can feel a recurrent nightmare unfolding.

Life is good at the moment.

The sun is shining and my kids have spent the entire school holidays getting muddy, building dens, riding and generally just being kids.

I feel so lucky to be me, so grateful that my kids have the freedom to grow up in the sunshine without fear of strange weirdo freaky blokes. At the same time my kids are pretty streetwise and have to deal with some really awkward kids that are jealous of their ponies. I don't mollycoddle my kids and stop every scrap(however if the "nasty" kids start chasing my ponies I'm the first one over there shouting the odds)!

I don't mean to sound smug, I'm just grateful for the little things.

I just thought I'd add that.

And i don't like it.

Gone are my long blonde locks.

They've been replaced by a choppy bob.

I don't feel at all sexy with shorter hair.

I feel like a farmer's wife.

Well, I survived my driving lesson.

Mainly because my driving instructor is not the ropey dirty old man type we tend to see up here.

No he's mid thirties and brummie and awroight!!

And him flirting with me is a good incentive for me to go back again. Although I did find my mind wandering on a couple of occaisions which probably isn't good for a learner driver.

Yay! This is fun.

I've got 2 hours of his undivided attention booked for next week!

I am behaving though just in case you were wondering! I just don't seem to get the pleasure of male company nowadays what with hubby working away at the mo.

But I'm being good. Things tween me and hubby are still excellent. It's just that flirtacious banter with a new face is fun...

...and educational! Let's not forget the educational bit!

I've been absent for quite a while, haven't I?

Anyway, I'm ok. I've had a few health problems of late but don't despair - if i was to snuff it I'd do it in a tasteful dignified way - unlike certain "celeb" non-entities.

Today I have a driving lesson booked and i'm stupidly terrified. I hate cars and I really really loathe driving. I had 3 lessons when I was pregnant with daughter #2 and was a hormonal mess and didn't enjoy the experience much.

I can see plently of reasons for driving but me in charge of a car really scares me.

I can ride a horse with no probs yet I'm scred of cars. Some people are scared of horses. And yet I've never said to anyone "Haha! You're nearly 30 and you CAN'T RIDE?!"

There is a stigma attached to not being able to drive.

If I survive I will let you know.

I seem to have been cutting a lot of dead wood out of my life recently.

And suddenly life has taken a much slower pace.

And I'm content. I'm amazingly content.

I've started taking up the quiet habits of the old Lazy, the one that has never existed on blog.

Things like cross-stitch and sewing. I made my eldest daughter a P.E bag this week out of an old velour blouse (its about 10 years old but I hung onto it because it's such a lovely colour) and I've embroidered her name on it.

Cos I can.

I've almost turned into a complete teetotal as well.

Yet i feel so happy.

And at the same time I'm making new friends, decent ones, and suddenly my little town has come alive with people that want to know me and cheerfully greet me when they see me.

Its all so weird.